this afternoon, i went to joeys wake. we walk up to his little brother and he gave me a hug, he said he was "hanging in there" that when my tears started forming, but i wasnt crying, but you can just see his brother threw him. i was hanging in there. we looked at the collages of him, he was such a amazing kid he could have gone far and im not just saying that, he had a love for something that seeming to disapear these days. then we saw him, and let me just say, it looked nothing like him, but he was wearing a hat, and that made me smile, thats one thing we had in common we are always wearing hats. i told my mom thats how i wanna be burried, i dont want them to dress my lifeless body in a stiff dress or outfit, i wanna be in like some ripped jeans and a tee. and a hat and my wristbands and all. so we were on our way out and we see his mother. and even though we are neighbors i have never said more than hi to his mom, i only talked to joey and maybe dalton a few times. so my mom give her a hug, and i totally broke down. then she hugged me and i- i still have no words to describe what i was feeling in that exact moment, but she told me to "hang in there" and i was like mmm hmm. but i couldnt let her go, it hurt so much and i just held on to her like there was no tomorrow. how did she know? she knew i was hurting, she knew that i wanted to say something to her from the beginning. its like she knew the inner struggle i was putting myself through to "say the right thing" and she just grabbed me into a hug and i couldnt let go. if this is what im feeling i know her pain has to be indescribable, yet she was trying to make me feel better, only two people have given me hugs like that, where i couldnt let go, keith always gives me hugs like that, just cause most of the time we never know when we will see eachother again. and that time we were balling in dennys parking lot and jules gave me a hug its like that "things will never be the same after this" feeling. so you want to hold on to it. except this time it wa more like "i cant believe this is happened, i dont know what to say,im here for you, i need to know that you care, please help me with the pain that wont leave my heart" kind of feeling. i dont even know if that makes sense. this whole thing is surreal. i have never lost someone like this, and at this stage of understanding or maturity and i cant seem to get past it, its like constantly in my head. if you came up to me and said jessica something realling shocking and sad is going to happen, never in a million years would i have guessed that it would be joey commiting suicide. NEVER. if someone told me joey died the first thing i would have guess was a car accident while he was mudding, or dirt biking. i dont know i have to do something. i HAVE to, nothing stays like this unless it has a purpose, and when i figure it out im gonna do it big. just for him. i miss you joey, you were one of a kind homes. and you were rockin that hat like i gave it to you. i love you man, and ill keep an eye on that smaller wild version of you, hes gonna do something good, even if its small.

Tags: death
how im feeling:: indescribable