i wish i had someone to talk to about this, but i dont so i guess ill try to comfort myself while i write. i guess write it all out here, how i feel and everything. with the loss of my grandpa, i started thinking about things. and my thoughts keep going to my brother brandon. and its ike im obsessed with the thoughts im having. i mean back to the middle of last summer when he sent me a message though myspace, that basically said, "hey im your brother brandon". i dont know what it is, especially because i dont even know him, that makes me feel so close to him. ive never had a baby but you know how mothers say i loved you from the first time i saw you. thats how i feel. i just wanna hug him a cry. but that would be weird. and that sucks, that some thats probably easy for any other person is completely difficult for me. anyway, he( brandon) is going through hell right now. hes attempted suicide twice, which means hes begging for help. why cant i help him? ugh if i can just describe how i feel, that would be awesome but its completely indescribable.

what i feel:

i wanna tell him just how much i love him. just how much i care. but i want to be able to show it. PROVE it. he probably doesnt even know what it feels like to be loved, at least not the way i feel for him.

i wanna like i said before give him a hug, and never let go. ever.

i wanna know what his favorite things are. i dont even know his favorite color.

i wanna know what annoys him. what makes him smile.

i wanna give him the world.

i wanna be proud of him.

i want him to want to make me proud.

i wanna walk with him somewhere, and hear someone say "is that your brother? he looks just like you"

i wanna disapprove of his girlfriends like i do for all my guy friends.

i wanna help him buy gifts for his girlfriend like i do for all my guy friends.

i wanna help him with his homework.

i wanna yell at him for making stupid decisions.

i wanna see him graduate high school (and most likely cry the whole time)

i wanna be the person he comes to when hes upset

i just wanna be his older sister.






it hurts so much. i begged my mom for a brother, ever since i was like 3. nine years later jonathan was born and he was an angel but, its like our bro/sis age difference makes us more like: me:bossy and mean and him: brat. instead if best buddies. it just sucks that i could've had that. i want my mom to take him in. he wants to be emancipated anyway. i want her to lock him down, keep him from smoking. yell at him for not doing is homework. thing is taking care of kids cost money, hes kind of a trouble maker, not the kind of influence jonathan needs. but im leaving for college there will be an empty room, he could go to warren. if anyone could change a kid around it'd be my mom.oh i wish.

i dont know hay i care this much but i do, and i think it sucks because i have two brothers not just one, and lance, my other younger brother, hes doing ok. so i dont see the reason for him to come, but then thats taking a brother away from his brother. i dont know! ugh, why is this so hard?


i think i am going to write him a letter or something. to tell him how much he really means to me. ill ask him everything i want to know. i wanna know if he feels the same way about me that i do about him. hopefully i can be a good sister. hopefully he will let me in. i could not handle him actually killing himself. my heart feels like it has a hole in it.

Tags: brothers
where im at:: my room,
how im feeling:: cold
what im cranking:: oh shooting star-nice guys finsih first (its on my myspace page)