read it and weep

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 11:29:14 GMT

my gripe with the siblings.....

first let me start with my older brother. when hes away i feel all these bad things and get bad thoughts about him and then he shows up and although all the things i think and feel about him are more than true, i melt and hes just my big bro that i want to hang out with. then i feel relentlessly sick to my stomach because all he does is prove me right. what am i right about you ask? well for starters my brother is narcissistic to the core. the only time hes not talking about himself is when someone else is talking, and even then he either turns whatever your saying into what hes saying or just interrupts you to talk about himself. then if thats not enough he has the gull to voice his concerns about me... sick sick sick. or guilt me about how i treat my little brother and my mom, when all he does is dissapoint, and thats if hes not to busy loving himself to show up once in a while. the thing that kills me is that i just fall apart and try to get what little attention he gives me. its siccccck. im pathetic, then i get all angry again when he ignores me. (ha and now i know why i ignore my lil bro! im friggin projecting)

then we have my sister. who might as well be a stranger. i have no idea who she is, or what shes like. which if you knew my WHOLE story would sort of be normal, except unlike the siblings on my dad side that i never knew i had till i was 16, THIS SISTER i've lived with my whole entire life, THIS SISTER is my only full blood sibling, and the one sibling i couldnt be the furthest from. and she wants it that way, and im okay with it that way. but to be fair we should be completely out of sync, but no............ she feels she knows me and that she can give me advice and that she can pass judgment on how i live my life. it pisses me off. the other day i told her via internet cause thats the only way we communicate if we communicate i worte, "im doing just fine i really dont need you to pretend to care about me or what i do."
in which she replied "hey crazy I do care about you, you are my sister...I know we arent close and I dont have any illusions that we are. But as your sister I have vested interest in your will being" hahahaha

thank god im not allergic to bullshit, otherwise with a line like that i'd have to be hospitalized.

even if she was being sincere, which i doubt, theres no way she has the right to have "interest in my well being" what is with my family, that they think they can turn on and off love and caring and interest in my well being whenever they want to. its call consistency people, thats what tells the truth. thats what i'll believe. at least once a week one of my friends that i dont get to see often send me a txt or message or wall post saying the miss me or something happened and they thought of me. even my cousins write me. where are my sibs? who knows who cares? and its a two way thing i know, but i put myself out there way too many times and i've come to term with not caring about them, but you dont see me saying wow sis your halloween costume showed more of your skin than it covered. or wow brother should i leave you alone with a mirror? or hey dont fuck every guy who gives you a compliment..... nope i let them fuck up their lives, as long as they're not pulling me with them... why cant they do me the same? OH cause they are vindictive. oh forgot about that.

i know i am screwed up in so many ways but sometimes i wonder how im not any worse than i already am. and then i think if thats how they are, what the hell am i really like? what if im just candy coating how i really am? what if im seriously fucked. damn.

i feel really bad for my younger brother if this is what he has for siblings. and truth be told i cant stand him. everything about his personality i hate and its a sick thing to say but if he wasnt my brother i wouldnt even acknowledge him at all. but hes blood so i love him. actually its true for all my siblings if they werent related to me i wouldnt even think about them.

thats why i LOVE my friends because they do care about me,so when they come up to me and say jess quit smoking i did(or im trying to). and when they say hey, not cool.. i change, because i trust them and they reserved the right to say whatever they feel they need to say to me. then again it makes betrayal all the worst, yet easier to deal with. worse cause it hurts me more than my siblings ever can, cause i love them by choice ( yes i do believe we can choose who we love), not obligation. and easy cause i can cut them out of my life completely and not look back, where im stuck with my siblings forever. its funny... there are former friends out there i wish were siblings so that i would have to forgive them but cause they are not i never will, yet my family just walks all over me and i cant not love them. sucks balls.

body work

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:41:16 GMT

how have i grown in the past few years?

well i saw this question and blew it off at first, because i was like, yeah i changed a lot so what? why does it matter?

but it does matter. quite a bit, actually.

personality wise i find myself to be the same model but completely different design and the most up to date version of me. i did tweak the things i thought i needed to fix and in doing so found so much more that i need to work on. such as but not limited to:

1. when a so-called-friend does something i dont like, either to me or a mutual friend i tend to blow them off completely until i either calm down about it or just delete them completely from my life. which is a stupid thing to do, because everyone makes mistakes. however i do think that while on one hand its completely legitimate, its also completely unfair. i am not a selfish person but when it comes to my feelings i put up a no bullshit wall and if people even get near to hurting me i lock them on the outside of said wall. i do this because most people dont even realize how much i value friendship. friends are just as important to me as family and sometimes more. i know i say i love my family and i sincerely do, but sometimes love isn't enough. take my siblings. i'd take a bullet for my siblings, but i cant say i'd do much else for them. my friends, well my closet friends are the ones i'd do anything for. so yeah i'd give my life for my siblings. but my friends are the reason i live. i probably dont make any sense, most people wouldnt understand it.

2. i do not trust people. thats why i am easily surprised by people's behavior. someone follows through on a promise and i'm gushing all over them because secretly i told myself not to believe it. how sad is that. i mean wow talk about cynical.

3. i blow off my little brother. what kind of jerk does that. i mean most of the time he deserves it, but there are those times when he needs my help with home work or just wants to spend time with me and i completely ignore him. but turn around and expect him to respect me. what a joke. i am such a bad sister.

these are all things i really want to fix so i will start effective immediately.

wow

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:56:11 GMT

I don't believe that everything you've known about me is gone forever
And I wont forget the days that we spent forever, it haunts me

note to self

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:35:44 GMT

dear jess,
you seriously need to STOP calling new people caterpillars. like SERIOUSLY. its very weird.... CREEPY weird.... i need a new thing. or just no thing, but i need to quit this thing cause i dont even do intentionally anymore it like "oh arent you a cute caterpillar" or "dont worry lil caterpillar i got you" or most common "sure thing young caterpillar" which is kinda a oxymoron cause caterpillars are the young form of butterflies. wow i totes didnt have to explain that but i just did. thats not weird or anything.....

end of note to self.

swoon...

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:12:36 GMT

so i really love making out with him. just thought you'd like to know :)
its the greatest perk to have a friend i can occasionally make out with at hookah lounges. i mean technically its 'shotgunning' but when the smokes just gone lol its making out. hahaha i havent written an entry in like 2 weeks and when i do its about him of course.

oh and to top it all off when we were saying bye he threw in a "i love you" yep shocked the shit out of me lol and i was like "see you soon bye" and about to close the door and hes like what? you're not going to say it back? and i was even more shocked cause even though he left out the "i love you [man]" i figured he was saying it in a "i love you and we are only good friends" way, but when he was mock upset about me not saying it back.... i was just like whoa. so i played it all off like " pshhh you know i love you, i didnt even need to say it. i said it with my eyes when i said goodbye " or some stupid shit :) it sucks that we can only be friends and casual makeout buddies and nothing beyond that, but ill take what i can get, at least from him. hes becoming another keith. ugh and we dont even talk anymore because we got too complicated. but karma is a bitch cause this guy is to me now what i was to keith and now the the roles are reversed i finally see who shitty i was to him without even knowing it. word to the wise> never fall in "like" with a friend too much drama.

ugh btw for someone who quit smoking, im not doing very well by going in to hookah bars and smoking :) oh and cigars so count lol.

this was a good entry lol so random so girly hahaha :P until next time

so real session

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:06:42 GMT

ok. first and foremost, i am an adult just cause i go grocery and movie shopping with my mom still, doesnt make it ok for people to ask her permission when i go to buy an R rated movie, or spray paint and as much as i hate getting carded, i dont mind it over people asking my "mommy" if "its ok"
for instance: when im introducing caribou coffee to my mom, and i put in my order separately as in im going to pay for it with my big girl money that i made all by my freaking self and the guy asks (and im thinking hes talking to me) my mom caff or decaff, and im like "caff fo sho" and hes like "?" and then im like "did you not hear me?" and my mom is like "oh go ahead, shes old enough." hell yeah im old enough...

ok so now that i got my point and rant out of the way....

i am going to get pierced. my septum to be exact. and i really dont care what your opinion is about this fact. i am going to get pierces and that is that...

so i've wanted this piercing since i first met some who had it done, she was freaking adorable and i dont know how but the piercing just accented her face, like you wouldnt think "oh that's not normal" upon looking at her. and i was in awe. so when people especially my friends tell me its ugly i shrug it off like sure, and "you know what YOU are talking about" some people wear it quite beautifully. take Scarlet Johanson or Hayley Williams for example.

next>

i researched the hell out of this, i mean have you met me? jess and spontaneity will more likely never go together, at least when im in the drivers seat. i could probably do the piercing myself if i wasnt so NOT keen on self inflicted pain.

next>

i got it done for one day, i gave in and let my friend do it. it hurt so i wasnt able to flip it up and my mom saw it and that was the tale of my one day piercing.

next>

as i said before when someone can pull this piercing off it looks gorgeous. and not many people can.... i wanna see if i can. i mean not many people(GIRLS) can pull off wearing hats and i can. so im kinda looking forward to it in that aspect.

next>

ok ok ok relax, this piercing REALLY IS the best of both worlds you can rock it for every day bad ass sessions,such as: hanging out with the homies, skateboarding, rocking out ect. and hide it for everyday non bad ass things such as visiting my grandma, work, home......

next> the main reason for wanting this done, i just wanna have the story to tell, the not so obvious thing about myself... im going to be in that "not so bad ass" category more often than not, so im NOT really getting it for show. its completely a personal achievement on my part.

SOOOOOO PLEASE shut the hell up. I AM GETTING THIS DONE> and i know i'm NOT going to regret it. not even if i get older than dirt [shiverrrrrrrrRs)

things ill never

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:23:40 GMT

say:

dear you,
i actually like talking to you. and i like texting you even more. and thats saying something i dont just have text convos with just anyone.

love of character

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:02:51 GMT

only reason i like the twilight books is because of one single character. bella is like no other character i can think of. the way she thinks is fascinating. completely selfless to the point that its selfish. like a huge circle she tries to take away peopls pain at the same time shes causing it. she rathr sacrifice herself than let someone die protecting her,but she is the reason that somone has to protect her. that why shes so relateable to every person who reads her point of view. for someon like me reading about bella and how she feels makes me feel bettet about the way i feel about myself and others.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:43:46 GMT

update

halloween turned out AMAZING i got completely drunk of course, its weird not having a tolerance anymore. i ended up going to shawns party completely last min, thats why if you see the pics on FB im the only one not wearing a costume, although i did try to convince people i was a comic book cause i was wearing DC heroes pajamas :) hahaha met a girl there named amanda cant really remember her face she over heard me complaining about how i wasnt drunk enough if i still hate the taste of beer, and took it upon herself to make me a drink, it was effing amazing amanda is type of drunk girl you wanna be around in a sticky situation i'd bet she be clever enough to get us out. it was funny, but i got all depressed drunk at the end cause i just then realized i wouldnt be working the last official day so i woulndt be able to say goodbye to everybody.got a wee bit emotional. nothing serious of course i was sloshed remember........ i would go over the night play by play but nobody really cares. :)

heres a letter to you:

hello love,
i miss you a great bit. i think of you constantly, mostly hoping that you are thinking of me. i lalalala love you, i do, its true. :p
take care without me, while i pretend that you once needed me, oh you know how i love to feel needed, thanks for making me feel special :)
-FINE
jess

i broke 2 toes on my left foot. :(

thats all

things

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:34:52 GMT

so things are.........

well first off im extremely sick, but hiding it well, today i took a crap load of vicodin to just numb me, cause when i get pre-sick i get a little dramatic and when i get really sick i try to hide it to avoid all the over concern cause for some reason i crumble under attention. doreen barley knows me i mean its been 6 months and she can tell better than my own mother when im not feeling well or when i'm depressed. ither shes psychic or shes very observant. she should be a pro interrogator i mean im good at hiding my sadness, but she picks it up on the spot.

the work season is almost done which makes me sad. but cant wait till the next one im excited not nervous for auditions :)

what else? humdilala....................... oh

i have recently delved inot the world of skating. i mean i've always like it and i had a board since forever, but ive never really tried at it , if you know what i mean. so now im getting really into it and its fun and scary and frustrating cause it like the only sport that i've had to work really hard at i mean everything has come really easily to me, iv just had no interest, this is different i mean in a way its second nature to me and in a way its like math. no matter how hard i try i dont get it. so im in the in between and im going to keep at it cause its a thrill when i actually get something down, like the ollie and manuals. so il keep you posted on that.

hmmmmlalalala.

no matter what i do or how hard i try to get over the feelings i had in 06 i cant. theres a part of me deep down that doesnt want to let me let go. its the summer that my life changed.it was like my open door to the world and i step through it loved it and i accidently step out and the door shut and i got locked out. :(

ummmmmmm......

boy: you smell good. stop it
boy: [puts his arm around my hips] i havent seen you in forever. how are you.
boy: [ while im reading comes up puts his head on my shoulders towards my neck, leans in close] what are you reading.
boy: i think im just going to change right in front of you now.
boy: (love song on the radio) crap now im going to get depressed [turns all the knobs down, while i follow turning them back up] now you are just gonna have to cheer me up. be yourself.
boy: come here. me: why? boy: just do it.[ i go up to him] smell me.
boy: [puts his ear phones in my ear.] listen..... this song reminds me of you.
boy: if you went missing id search everywhere for you till i find you.

shit....... life's not fair.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 05:03:58 GMT

Fright fest is fun. i like being in the office i hate working past midnight. but now people trust me more, and i find out a lot of things of which i cannot repeat :( but its fun in a way, keeping secrets.

ummmmmm im giving up for now on the boy..... its kinda not worth pursuing just cause hes not and im not. its whatev.

so about bout that weather.. sheesh so eeffing cold, i will never get used to winter. well i gotta shower
just came here to wake up i guess i finally get to be a character today, hopefull i wont be lame one. bahhhh

PLEASE!?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:42:31 GMT

Dear life,

i know you are not supposed to be fair. but i also know that you do let people catch a break every now and then.
so hear me out, i really really need you to cut me a break. i wont go into detail but i have a deep feeling that you know exactly what i am referring to.

love me( everyone else does),
jess

473363937

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:21:53 GMT

Dear you,

i was made to love you. this is my purpose.
you are the piece of time i captured in a photo, lasting forever, always in my heart.
you are the non renewable resource that i need for survival.
i take as you willingly give yourself to me, knowing i care enough not to take too much.
it will never be enough just to say i love you. so i refuse to say it.
how i feel about you is how i feel about breathing.
i miss you even when you are close to me, because i fear of the times when you will not be.
you are the reason for my happiness.
you are the story behind my smile.
i was made to love you. this is my purpose.

FINE(forever is not enough),

Jess.

yes really

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:06:31 GMT

this is a super cute song......
"Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time"
i'd be like hell yes. lol.
S-double-o-N

"Smother Me"

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time
Surely you can take some comfort
Knowing that you're mine
Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of
my days
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

Let me be the one who never leaves
You all alone
I hold my breath and lose the feeling
That I'm on my own
Hold me too tight stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of
my days
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

When I'm alone time goes so slow
I need you here with me
and how my mistakes have made
Your heart break
Still I need you here with me
Baby I'm here

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time

Let me be the one who calls you baby
The one who calls you baby

song work in progress

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 06:01:34 GMT

i say my style's clean, clean clean by any meansi got my dream held high i got my kicks on fly wit skinny jeans i wear em like a bad habit no matter wear i go i gotta have it i wear em skinny cause my ass fits apple bottoms' just an excuse for peoples with fat asses now all we need jeans for people who wear glasses. now isnt that attractive the next coming atraction, subtracted the brains of the

TO DFLS with LOVE, ( it didn't last forever) yours, SHJG

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:49:26 GMT

You take it to places that no one's ever been
You let it, you let it. Your insides caving in.
You pushed and pulled, still wanting some more.

meant to die - the used

The second you let it become a part of you,
You'll never forget it, no matter what you do.
You lost it all, still wanting some more.

meant to die - the used

So baby, I took a little too much.
Maybe you sucked the life right out of me.
I should have let you know I never meant to go.
Sure I lost my mind, but I never really meant to die.

Never stay forever.
Never stay forever.
Come on.
- the used

kiss kiss

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:56:43 GMT

Nowhere to go.
I'm not leaving. I'm not going.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.
On my own.
I'm nothing, just bleeding.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.

kissing you goodbye -the used

ahhhhhh love. jessica is crushing, crushing hard <3

i thought this was really cool

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:46:19 GMT

With Your Eyes <3<3<3<3
You lie with your eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but you protect your soul to the bitter end. You can control the amount of information your eyes give to people. When you lie, you are very convincing because your eyes seem to agree with your words. You can say so much with very little actual talking. People trust you, even if they shouldn't, but it takes a lot for you to trust anyone. When you gaze into peoples' eyes, it is an intense stare. People often look away because when they look into your eyes, they feel like you know all of there secrets; almost like you can read their minds. However, when you do trust someone enough to show them your soul, they get lost in your eyes and cannot look away. People who lie with their eyes are the most convincing liars.

You lie to protect people from the world, but you also lie to protect yourself. You like to keep the focus on others rather than yourself. At times, your friends will get on the subject of you and realize how little they actually know about you. You are good at slyly changing the subject, but there are people out there who recognize this behavior. These people are both your weakness, and your greatest friends. It takes a very understanding, intelligent person to understand what goes on inside your head. You often will hang out with people who don't quite understand what you are doing because you feel safer knowing no one is inside your head. You, however, are inside everyones' head. You know their feelings and motives and lie to manipulate them into doing the smart thing. You block yourself from others who think like you, but let them inside your head every once in a while, and you will find that it is worth the risk.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:34:14 GMT

so every now and again i fall in love with a band, who's music fits my life or just overall mood. and lately i've just been listening to anything and everything getting my music guru title and what not.

i like the used, but i wasnt what i'd call a hardcore listener till recently.

So maybe I took a little too much.
Maybe life didn't want this part of me.
If it helps to know, I never let you go.
I'm sorry that I lost my mind

So baby, I took a little too much.
Maybe you sucked the life right out of me.
I should have let you know I never meant to go.
Sure I lost my mind, but I never really meant to die.

ahhhhhh love them

ill keep my love for them a regular topic on this so called journal lol.

PEACE

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:20:58 GMT

bad news just found out spencer is jewish. such a turn on. lol
gotta love spencer :) to bad virginia is........ not around here.
here it goes again i miss him (sad face)

ok as you all know life for me is like poprocks except its poprocks without the fun and excitement. but at least i got work taken care of i am now working in the office where stuff happens and i dont have to deal with stupid guest and their dumb questions, and i no longer have to be all alone in the freezing cold. YAY. and im going to make a work friendly playlist for my zuney so i wont get bored with you know, office stuff. music YAY. so stop by fright fest i might see you im kinda backstage only but i get out occasionally. oh, and i promised myself i wouldnt let this happen, but i like someone at work, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. he totally gave me an amazing(i miss you, and now i get to see you) hug today swoon/spastic dance.sad thing though, nothing will become of this it would just be plain weird.awkward.weird. its actually weird to even think about. even for me lol.friends we'll stay ill just pine over missing spencer lol.

home and school needs a lot more work. ugh. always working. what was sooo cool about getting older again?

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:03:30 GMT

Dear bottled up emotions pent-up inside of me,

i need whatever repressed situations that you secretly keep from letting me embarrass myself for those in-the-moment times to all come out, because at this moment in my life when i feel like im at my most vulnerable i need more space and right now my emotions are crowing each other and im going berserk. and i just might do something really stupid, and hurt myself and other in a way that, how can i put this subtly, will be completely irreversible. yes as in, forever.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:22:59 GMT

and while im at fuck having faith. what the hell has it ever gotten me.
i want my fucking life back. the one where people actually gave a shit.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:12:44 GMT

is hanging by a thread when no one seems to care......
the second half to this lyric is BULLSHIT.

i just found another KIKI blond hair in my hoodie that havent worn since i left oli. and im not going to be there to see baby bella when she sees the world for the first time. and i feel like shit, because some where down this crooked line its all because i fucked up. redemption is bullshit.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:55:39 GMT

the other day was courtney's last day of work and i didnt even realize it till the day was half way over, it kinda made me sad, hopefully i wont eff up and ill be able to see her next year (im super excited for parade :).....
anyway so i made a huge mistake, and since i was separated from the bulk of the group for most of the day i was extra sad... my crew was sent on lunch early(ugh) which i didnt like but we stopped by to see our other friends on the way to the caf. and they were in like a maze i dont really want to explain it, so i'll leave it at "maze" and we didnt see them but we kinda heard them, so we were kinda marco poloing it, except using our own names, so i was like 'courtney caterpillar" where are you, then i realized what i said, and was like shit, and she came around the corner and was all bouncy like she normally is and she was all like "jess- you're silly (hahahaha) courtney caterpillar,(blahlalalalala)" and im like "yeah". so she had no idea, and i guess i overreacted but still it was just really awkward for me at least. gotta love courtney though :) she pleasantly reminds me of someone i used to be/know its sorta cute. awwww and now i really miss her.... gah.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:06:26 GMT

life sucks balls. and i need a vehicle stat. this shit is super old its nearly dead,

oh

and why is everyone deciding to be gay i dont get it..... is it for attention?
because usually when you marry someone not all the time but usually you are declaring vows for a lifetime not a year. w.e dont get married when you are 19/20 guys. especially to someone from another country.
work

its FF(PP) season and i'm missing it poo. go incredibles kick sass :P
school

what else? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

caterpillars freak me the hell out. STILL. actually even more so than before.they're almost up there with spiders (i saw one tday)
home. speaking of caterpillars... i just cant seem to throw the rest of it away. i've never had a friendship like that before, at least with a girl. and i probably will never have one again... i dont know if i could throw that memory away.......ill think about it
life